


Past and Never

by ravenstrange



Series: Commander of Time & Space [1]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Cullen is Commander Shepard, Dragon Age & Mass Effect Crossover, Light Angst, M/M, POV Kaidan Alenko, Prequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:15:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25826533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenstrange/pseuds/ravenstrange
Summary: Kaidan Alenko never really thought much of Cullen Shepard, but Eden Prime changed that. He's apprehensive at first, but the Commander is a drastically different person than the one Kaidan had come to know and the reality is far more confusing than he wants it to be.A Prequel toSomeday, following Kaidan's POV through ME1 & ME2, leading up to the start of 'Someday'.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko & Cullen Rutherford, Kaidan Alenko & Male Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Cullen Rutherford, Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Shepard
Series: Commander of Time & Space [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1873927
Comments: 8
Kudos: 19





	Past and Never

**Author's Note:**

> To understand some of the stuff in this, you may need to read [Someday](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25337848/chapters/61434682)! Knowledge of the story isn't required, but it would certainly help to make it less confusing!
> 
> _Now with some minor edits! Hurrah!_

If there was one thing Kaidan Alenko knew, it was that what happened on Eden Prime was _not_ expected on multiple levels. The Prothean Beacon was one, and he couldn’t help but think he was the reason it triggered, was the reason that XO Cullen Shepard was hit by it. 

Eden Prime was the start to a lot of things. A start to a strange mission that Kaidan hadn’t seen coming, and a start to understanding there was something far worse out there looking to destroy them. Most people focused on that. Those were excessively big things to focus on.

Kaidan was not, and would never be, most people.

After Eden Prime, and everything that happened, Kaidan had found himself unable to sleep. He had gone to his station, to file reports and other work that he needed to catch up on.

He had not, at the time, paid attention to the fact that Shepard was still up and walking around the Normandy late at night.

Commander Shepard was, for lack of better word, an asshole. The true definition of it, he operated as if emotions and empathy never registered with him. He was one of Humanity’s best, with a lack of humanity, and wasn’t _that_ a fucking irony? For a while, Kaidan just assumed most N7s were like that; remove the emotional attachment to anything, and you’d be a good soldier. Commander Shepard, for what Kaidan saw and knew, was that man. Reliable to the Alliance to get the job done and wasn’t afraid to steamroll people in his way. He was brash, to the point, and blunt.

He was an asshole. An absolute _asshole_.

But all that being said, Kaidan didn’t _mind_ serving with him. Anderson trusted him, and why wouldn’t Kaidan trust his Commander?

Eden Prime changed things, though. It was obvious.

Somehow, only Kaidan saw it.

Making their way to the Citadel on Anderson’s orders, most everyone was asleep. Sans Kaidan, and his work. Seeing Shepard walking around wasn’t unusual.

What Shepard was _saying_ was.

“Maker’s breath, _what is this?_ ”

It was the faintest voice, he was almost hesitating to give a sound to his thoughts, but Kaidan had heard it clear as day. It was Shepard’s voice, but with worry behind it. With _emotion_ behind it.

“ _Andraste_ , where am I?” Shepard was muttering to himself as he wandered around the Normandy, as if he had never seen it before. He stopped right in front of a window in the observatory where Kaidan was working – he had not noticed Kaidan at all and had gone straight to the view of space.

Kaidan watched as Shepard stared out the window, and it took a few minutes before he approached him. “Shepard, are you alright?”

Shepard turned from the window and faced Kaidan, and his face held expressions Kaidan hadn’t seen on him before. First confusion, then calmness, then something else that Kaidan couldn’t read. He felt Shepard looking him over, scanning him, as if he were taking a vid.

Something about that made Kaidan feel very exposed. More than he had expected to be.

Finally, Shepard spoke, “Ah, yes. I’m sorry, I…” He looked at Kaidan, blinked a few times, and he rubbed his head as if a headache was pushing against him. Kaidan knew that expression well of his own experiences. “I’m afraid I’m a little out of sorts. This is not where I expected the Fade to take me. You…I know you, somehow? Kaidan, is that your name?” Shepard took a step forward and touched Kaidan’s shoulder as if to test if he was real. “Are you a demon?” 

Kaidan laughed, if only because he didn’t know what else to say, and the laugh came out more like a strangled sound. “A demon? No, I…I’m not a demon, Shepard.”

Shepard’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion and removed his hand from Kaidan’s shoulder. “Shepard? I…hmm.” He closed his eyes for a moment, and Kaidan could see the struggle on his face, “I know that name,” he muttered mostly to himself, and Kaidan watched as his eyes opened and focused on Kaidan once more. “This is the first dream I have had in years that isn’t a nightmare, Andraste preserve me, I fear this can’t be good.’

“ _Andras_ …what? Shepard, what are you…”

“Hmm. I…” Shepard stops himself, and starts again, “I should go. Huh. Why does that sound so…strange? I…erm.” He looks to Kaidan, his hand to his neck in a bit of a nervous tick that Kaidan had never seen before. Shepard’s cheeks are red as if he were _blushing_ and Kaidan feels his throat go dry.

Which, for the record, is not at _all_ what he expected his reaction to be.

Shepard walks away, and Kaidan finds himself starring after him, wondering what just happened.

Come morning, Cullen Shepard does not remember _anything_ that happened, and when Kaidan tries to ask him about it, Shepard looks at him like he has fifty heads. He doesn’t think to ask about it again, but that night, Shepard is acting strangely again.

He greets Kaidan, he’s friendly, and talks about the ‘Fade’ and dreams, and how this isn’t real, but he’s glad that Kaidan isn’t a demon or a _desire demon_ , whatever _that_ means. He eases a bit more into who he is, and mentions things that happened during the day, but also adds emotional context that Kaidan doesn’t expect. He shows regret for some of the choices that were made and wishes that he made them differently. It’s a side of Shepard that Kaidan has never seen before, and never thinks he will see again.

But he does.

Night after night, this new version of Shepard comes to visit him and talk to him. He doesn’t talk to anyone other than Kaidan, because he trusts him.

Ashley notices it, and tries to talk to Kaidan about it, but he can’t explain it. What is there to explain? _Oh yeah, the newly minted Commander is completely differently at night, and he’s actually nice and kind of sweet, and I think he’s more attractive this way, but I absolutely would never admit that I find Shepard attractive, and for some reason he only speaks to me at night abut places I’ve never heard of and…_

All that sounds so strange in Kaidan’s head, that when Ash asks, he just replies, “Eh, it’s not a big deal, you’re not missing anything” because he absolutely cannot find the right words.

Kaidan starts to see the ‘night version’ of Shepard get more comfortable and more curious, but it is still like watching a little kid trying to discover the world he’s not used to. Things somehow seem so strange to Kaidan. Shepard talks about a place called Ferelden, where he apparently grew up with his many siblings, but Shepard’s files say he was a street kid from Vancouver with no family. He talks about Thedas, and the beauty that resides there, but Kaidan has never heard of it and any searches he does doesn’t bring anything up. Thedas, as far as Kaidan knows, doesn’t exist.

But when Shepard talks about it and describes it in detail at night to Kaidan while they’re sitting on the couch overlooking the stars in space, Kaidan wants to _believe_ that it exists.

It goes on for months, Shepard going to the observatory to look at the stars at night, as if this ‘awakened’ part of him takes comfort in them. Kaidan starts to make sure that he’s always there, because he wants to know more. The Commander he deals with during the day is nothing compared to the compassionate man he is getting to know at night, and Kaidan knows everything about this is dangerous.

But, if there is one thing Kaidan has always been drawn to, it is danger.

The night before they land on Virmire, Shepard approaches Kaidan in the observatory. Kaidan is already sitting on the couch, but when Shepard approaches, he’s holding something that Kaidan doesn’t expect.

Shepard walks over to Kaidan and lifts the objects in his hand and shrugs before he sits.

“What are you doing?” Kaidan asks, watching Shepard as he lowers his shoulders, his hands holding a bottle of whiskey and two glasses.

“Offering a friend a drink,” Shepard replies, and he sits next to him. “Is that against the rules, Alenko?”

“Didn’t know we were considering each other friends, Commander.”

There was a strange look on Shepard’s face after Kaidan had said that, like he was almost hurt at it. “I’d like to be. If you want, Kaidan.”

Kaidan swallows down the strange feeling he got when he heard Shepard say his name like that, and he laughs awkwardly. It sounds more like a squeak than a laugh, but Shepard doesn’t call him out on it. Instead, the Commander is pouring the whiskey into the glasses, and he’s handing one to him.

With a nod, Kaidan takes the glass. Shepard smiles, and seems to…was that a blush? No, it couldn’t be. That would be strange. The expression does something to Kaidan he doesn’t want to acknowledge, because these evenings never seem right. They seem like a lie. Shepard never remembers anything, and Kaidan is struggling more and more with the consequences of it.

But he likes to push, and he likes to see how far he can go, because the danger is always pulling him in.

“You know, calling me Kaidan isn’t fair, Shepard,” Kaidan smirks.

“Why not?” Shepard looks confused. It’s an expression Kaidan has never seen on him before. “It’s your name.”

“Well, yeah,” Kaidan chuckles, “But notice how everyone always just calls you Shepard?”

“Your point?”

“Are we allowed to call you by your first name? Do you even have one?” Kaidan knows he’s teasing. He’s not sure if he should, if he’s overstepping a boundary.

To his surprise, Shepard laughs. And it is the most wonderful sound he’s ever heard. It’s light and free, and he suddenly feels like he would do anything to hear that again. Kaidan hides the feeling behind the glass of whiskey.

“You know my first name.”

“So, then can I use it?”

He smirks, “Sure, Kaidan. You can use it.”

“Then cheers, Cullen,” He raises his glass, and Cullen laughs.

“To...?”

“Becoming friends.”

That night shifts things, but there isn’t time to explore it, and there isn’t time to acknowledge it.

Because Virmire is not at all what anyone expects.

And Virmire is where Ashley dies.

Kaidan hadn’t been sleeping for months already given the situation and his new found curiosity, but after Virmire and heading back towards the Citadel, he definitely can’t sleep. Ashley is dead, because Shepard chose to save _him_ over her, and he wonders how much of that was Shepard’s choice and how much of that was subconsciously _Cullen’s_ choice.

Because at one point, it was easier to separate the two of them, and Kaidan hates how guilty he feels.

That night, he goes to the observatory, not at all expecting anyone there. But he finds _Cullen_ already sitting there, where they usually sit.

When Kaidan rounds the couch to see Cullen’s face, the other man looks ruined. He’s distraught.

“I…” His features are pulling and pushing and struggling against the emotions that he’s feeling, and Kaidan just sinks into the couch next to him. He doesn’t say anything, but he tries to just be there. Only because he can’t say anything. What do you possibly say, while in mourning?

Cullen shifts on the couch next to Kaidan, but he hasn’t looked at him. He’s looking at his hands, wringing them together tightly, as if he’s trying to _hurt_ himself in some way. It’s not effective, but Kaidan understands the gesture. “I don’t think I expected to awaken here to find someone gone,” he chokes out, and he almost _sobs_ and Kaidan wishes that he was like this during the day.

“Cullen, _stop_ , this isn’t fucking fair,” Kaidan snaps, and swallows the rest of his words because he immediately regrets saying anything.

Cullen looks to him then with confusion, and sadness, “What?”

Kaidan sighs, “ _This._ Whatever the fuck you’re doing, not knowing what the hell is going on, I was okay with it at first, but…Ash _died_ Cullen, and you’re acting as if you weren’t the one who made that damn decision.”

Cullen is quiet for a long time, and Kaidan almost regrets what he’s said. But then Cullen speaks. “I know it was me. I don’t expect you to understand any of this, that I’m going through. I know I wasn’t _present_ when it happened, but I _know_ it was me. I know the choice was _mine._ I must live with that. And when I wake up in Skyhold, I’ll continue to deal with the overwhelming feeling of grief I won’t be able to explain to anyone, because it won’t be understood. I am just as _Maker damned confused_ about all of this like you are, and I do not expect you to understand the depth of what I am going through, Kaidan, but do not _ever_ say that I am not fully aware of the choices that were made. I know them. I am aware of them, and I grieve for Ashley’s loss.”

Kaidan swallows hard, struggling in the moment to get any sort of air. Cullen sighs, “But I do not regret saving you. And I don’t want you regretting being alive. Ash would hate if any of us did that. So, to honor her, we should keep going. As much as we can.”

“Understood, Commander,” Kaidan nods, and moves to stand up from the couch, but Cullen’s hand reaches out and grabs his.

Kaidan stares at their hands before Cullen drops his, and Kaidan sinks back into the couch.

Cullen doesn’t say anything, but Kaidan understands the gesture.

_Just stay with me, for a little while._

_Please._

And so, he does.

Stealing the Normandy? That’s not Shepard.

Giving the command to get off the Citadel, and towards Ilos? That’s not Shepard.

It’s _Cullen_ who gives that command, and Kaidan is the only one (he thinks) that notices it. He heads up to the Captain’s quarters to talk to him, to see if…

Well, Kaidan isn’t sure what is going to happen, if he’s honest with himself. But this is the last shot they have of getting Saren, of stopping Sovereign…

“Commander, I just wanted to say that—”

Cullen turns around to face Kaidan and smiles, “Kaidan, can you even call me that? After stealing the Normandy?”

Kaidan laughs despite himself, “No, I suppose I shouldn’t, should I?”

“No, I suppose not.”

The silence between them seems to go on longer than he expects, but it’s not uncomfortable. It’s not trying to be something it’s not. It just sits and settles between them, though Kaidan feels like there is something a little stronger there.

When that realization hits him, he swallows hard and looks to Cullen, who apparently had been staring at him.

“Let’s have a drink,” Cullen says finally, and brings out a bottle of T-88 Peruvian Whiskey and pours it into two glasses. They spend the rest of the night talking about where Cullen _thinks_ he’s from, and what he’s doing during the day (something about an Inquisition?).

Cullen tells him, “Kaidan, there are some places in Ferelden that would take your breath away. I wish I could show you.”

And it is then that Kaidan realizes that he has to try to create some distance between him and these night conversations with a man that doesn’t remember them in the morning. He can already feel his heart trying to make a stronger connection, and he’s scared of what might happen if it ends up being successful.

Most likely a lot of pain, Kaidan surmises. But maybe for the brief moments, it could be worth it.

They defeat Saren, like expected. The Council is saved, and there’s a coverup on what attacked the Citadel, but coverups happen and that’s _just the way of the Galaxy_.

Tasked to clean up Geth hotspots, there’s relative quiet for a while there. Shepard is still _Shepard_ but Cullen still comes around at night, and Kaidan keeps telling himself that he has to remember to break away but he _can’t_. The more he gets to know Cullen, the more he realizes the person Shepard _could be_ if he was fully aware. If he was not lacking emotions and empathy.

Someday, he keeps telling himself, someday it will happen. But Kaidan isn’t exactly sure that ‘someday’ will ever come and he’s not sure if he’s causing himself more pain by thinking that it could. It was foolish, hoping for something that might not happen. He wasn’t even sure if it could happen.

They help a colony and decide to stay docked on the planet for the night. Some of the crew hang around the colony, but Kaidan decides he wants to go out into the fields nearby.

It appears that someone else had already gotten that idea.

He sees Shepard standing under a tree in the field, staring up at the stars.

Kaidan approaches quietly, and he’s not sure if it’s Shepard or…

He contemplates saying something, but instead, he decides to tease. If it is just Shepard, he seemed to be in a good enough mood that he’d be amused by things. If it’s Cullen, well Kaidan isn’t quite sure what the reaction would be.

He sends a biotic push at his shoulder, not at all full strength, but enough to jolt the man out of his thoughts.

When Shepard turns around, he grins wildly, and Kaidan knows it’s _Cullen_ grinning like that. “Think you can throw me off, Alenko?” He asks, his voice teasing.

Kaidan grins, “Absolutely, Shepard.”

Cullen takes off running through the field, and Kaidan takes a spot away from the trees. In the middle of the field there is a clearing and Cullen is running literal circles around Kaidan.

He sends biotic waves towards Cullen, who dodges and dashes. Kaidan decides to send stronger pushes and waves Cullen’s way, his biotics brightly dancing over his skin – a bright blue beacon in the middle of the dark night. He exerts himself a bit more, and as Cullen is running around to Kaidan’s right, this seems to distract the other man.

Cullen takes off in full speed running towards Kaidan, and he jumps into the air to tackle him.

Kaidan presses his advantage, as he captures Cullen with his biotics midair. The look on Cullen’s face goes from amusement to something else. It’s not of shock or surprise. Kaidan can’t quite read it.

His biotics are dancing around Cullen’s body, and Cullen seems utterly _captivated_ by it. Kaidan swallows hard, as he concentrates and slowly lowers the other man to the ground. Cullen’s eyes are wide, his pupils are blown and Kaidan realizes how impossibly close they are right now.

Close enough that the distance could be closed. If he wanted to.

Dammit, he wants to.

But Cullen stops him. Offers to get a drink instead. It’s safer. Somehow.

Only it’s not, when Cullen is sitting next to him in the Observatory on the couch, a bottle of whiskey on the table in front of them, glasses in their hands.

“I like when you use them on me,” Cullen admits quietly, “Your biotics, I mean.” He mutters something about magic and mages but Kaidan doesn’t quite catch the rest of it.

Still, he feels like his throat is dry and he’s hyper aware of how close Cullen is to him right now. “Yeah? Why is that?”

“Comfort, I guess,” he replies.

“You _guess_?” Kaidan tries to steel his expression, and he feels as apprehensive as he almost looks. But for some reason, Cullen’s words are affecting him more than he wants to admit, and his nerves are through the roof. He takes the bottle of whiskey from Cullen and drinks.

“Yeah. The buzzing feeling, knowing it comes from you. Makes me think you care, Alenko.”

Okay, now that isn’t fair. Kaidan practically chokes on the liquid, and Cullen just rests back against the couch and grins.

Kaidan doesn’t reply, because nothing he wants to say would come close to coming out right. He just grins back in reply and ignores the feeling in his chest.

If there is something that Kaidan learns, is that you never have the chance to say what you want until it’s too late. And as he watches in horror as the SSV Normandy is torn apart, there’s nothing he can do.

He survives.

Commander Cullen Shepard does not.

It’s a long time before Kaidan thinks he can move on. The Normandy crew, those that survived, all went their separate ways.

Kaidan connects with now-Councilor Anderson and gets a few assignments. He spends most his time around the Citadel, or in his apartment in the Zakera Wards. He even goes on a few dates with a woman named Maria.

She has blond curly hair, short around her shoulders. Her eyes aren’t the same color, and she doesn’t smile the same, and Kaidan doesn’t want to admit that he’s trying to find someone as a substitute for what he can’t have and lost.

They’re on and off for a few years, he struggles to do anything with his personal life, so he focuses on his professional life.

Two years after Shepard’s death, he takes the assignment for Horizon. Colonists are disappearing, and Horizon needs to be protected. They all hate that he’s there, of course. Colonists hating the Alliance and military isn’t anything new, but Kaidan does what he can to make it worth it.

There are rumors that Kaidan tries to ignore, that Commander Shepard is _alive_ , that he’s with Cerberus. It doesn’t sound right, and he doesn’t want to confirm it.

But then the Collectors come to Horizon, and once Kaidan can break free from the situation he’s in, he can see it for himself.

Shepard is alive. He’s fighting off enemies with what looks like Garrus and a Krogan that Kaidan doesn’t know. But it’s Shepard.

When it’s safe, Kaidan makes his way down from the prefabs and into the kill zone, where a Colonist is annoyed and asking who the hell Shepard is.

It’s a question Kaidan wants answered as well, because looking at him, seeing that _face_ is practically giving Kaidan a heart attack on the spot.

Two years of thinking he was dead, and there were all these things he wanted to say but instead…

“You’re looking at a ghost,” Kaidan says as he appears from behind a shipping crate. Commander Shepard puts his gun away, and his arms are crossed over his chest. Garrus looks at Kaidan with an even expression, and the Krogan that Kaidan doesn’t recognize just looks bored.

Shepard greets him with “Alenko,” and Kaidan’s heart dies a little. There is no emotion. No recognition. This isn’t the man that Kaidan had been hoping for.

But he had gotten used to that before, he could trick himself into getting used to it again. “I thought you were dead.”

“Well, I’m not.”

Kaidan inhales sharply and narrows his eyes. He wants to shake the man in front of him, he wants to scream. Instead, he swallows his pride and glares, giving Shepard the same look back. “You’re with Cerberus?”

“They’re helping us stop the Collectors, what are you doing lately?”

“Not turning fucking _traitor_ to the Alliance, Shepard.”

Shepard scoffs, and shakes his head, “If you’re not going to see to reason, Alenko, then I have no use for you.” The conversation ends there, as Shepard and the Krogan head off.

Kaidan swallows hard and knows his expression is now one of sorrow, of a man who is heartbroken. Garrus sighs, “Kaidan, it’s…complicated. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan replies, and shakes his head. “Just be careful, Garrus.”

“Will do.”

Kaidan leaves, he has to get off Horizon, he has to report to Anderson and Hackett, and he needs to focus on something else. Anything else other than the hammering of his heart in his head, and the pain he can’t quite explain.

But he does something potentially damaging instead.

He waits until he knows it’s nighttime, and he sends a message through encrypted channels to Shepard, hoping that it’s _Cullen_ that will read it. It’s foolish and not his best move, but he has to do something.

If Cullen gets it, he doesn’t reply. Kaidan wasn’t expecting him to, but he knows what his next move is.

He gets back to the Citadel and breaks it off with Maria once and for all. When she demands to know why, he tells her, “I’m in love with someone, and it’s not you.”

She slaps him across the face and screams, and he lets her. To finally put a word to what he has felt somehow lifts the weight from his shoulders enough that he feels he can stand a little straighter and breathe a little easier.

Nothing prepares him for being in the same area as Cullen Shepard again. Back in Vancouver, reporting for duty as the newly promoted Major. Rumors that the now former Commander Shepard surrendered to the Alliance peacefully under the watch of Admiral Hackett. It was nothing but political grandstanding, to appease those who were against the Alliance and Shepard’s former connection to Cerberus.

Hackett’s reports about the incident are one thing. But hearing from Anderson that “you should go and see him, Major. He’s different,” pulls at Kaidan’s heart and he refuses.

At first, he claims he has too much to do. Claims he has reports, and assignments, but Anderson knows it’s all lies. The Admiral never says anything.

Then it just becomes that Kaidan is out of excuses and just can’t see Shepard. He doesn’t want to know if the rumors are true.

But it seems that they are. The former Commander is allowed some free time, and he spends it running on the track. He raced against Anderson and beat him. And the word spread that the great and mighty Shepard was hanging around and talking to people, laughing, telling stories…it seemed to good to be true.

Finally, Kaidan’s curiosity had won out and he had to see it for himself.

He was in the middle of the track, working with some of his students, when the commotion around the track got loud. Kaidan didn’t want to turn around to face it, but his students are excitedly chattering about the great Commander Shepard and so Kaidan finally caves.

And like on Horizon, once again everything came hard to port.

Lt. James Vega is hitting on a fellow soldier, and Shepard is teasing the other man. There is a grin on his face, a lightness that Shepard never had.

Kaidan realizes, that in the middle of the day, the man who is before him is Cullen.

That somehow, _someday_ is now.

Cullen is sticking his foot out on the track to trip Vega as he runs by, and he’s distracted. He hasn’t seen Kaidan yet.

So Kaidan does something to test the waters.

In front of the growing crowd, Kaidan sends over a biotic push on Cullen’s shoulder. The reaction is slow at first, as Cullen starts to turn around, and Kaidan throws another one right at Cullen’s feet.

Their eyes meet, and Kaidan isn’t sure what will happen, but then Cullen _grins_. His laughter is loud and fills the air as he makes it onto the track and starts running.

Kaidan’s heart is going haywire, memories of the night in the field coming back rapidly, and he’s throwing biotics at Cullen and watching him weave and dash. He doesn’t hold the power back, because there is something he’s trying to do, something he’s trying to say but he can’t get it out.

_Please tell me this is real. Please tell me this is you._

They have a crowd now, the bleachers around the track are getting filled up, and it’s a show that Kaidan isn’t sure he wants to give tickets to but it’s too late now.

He pushes himself to his limits, gives it everything he has. Cullen does more laps, and Kaidan throws down more traps. He pulls crates into Cullen’s path with his biotics and Cullen beautifully vaults right over them.

Kaidan’s biotics are at full power, and he’s glowing brightly. He knows this and wonders if…

Cullen sees him and gets distracted, and Kaidan gets another hit in. _Take the bait. Please, take the bait._

Cullen takes off towards Kaidan, running right for him. Kaidan’s heart jumps when Cullen jumps into the air towards him. He throws up his hand and pulls a biotic bubble around Cullen protectively. Cullen’s expression goes from the grin he had, to something else. _Recognition._

Kaidan slowly lowers Cullen to the ground, and the biotics disappear from around them both. He’s breathing hard, and he swallows hard. Shepard wouldn’t have remembered that. This was…

_Someday was today, it was now._

Cullen’s pupils are blown, and there is a look of recognition on his face, of wanting to say something. He’s breathing as hard as Kaidan is, but he doesn’t want to read into that.

Kaidan tries to get a word in before Cullen says anything, but just barely gets anything out before things are cut short. Before the alarms sound, before the explosions, before the screaming.

The Reapers are here, and they need to move.

But Cullen is running beside Kaidan to get to the Normandy, and they’re keeping in pace with each other. 

Kaidan quietly tells himself that things will be different now, and that if someday is _now,_ he owes it to himself to finally figure this out.

He just hopes the future is kind to him, to them both.


End file.
